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Hey, You- Take Two

4 Jan

I LOVE YOU MADELINE.

Hey, You

21 Dec

I GOT IN. HALFWAY.

Ana On Gender

12 Jun

I believe that people are mean. That sex is inherent because people believe what they see, and that people are only pretending sometimes. I believe that it takes a free spirit to see someone the way they truly aren’t, and that there aren’t too many of those in this world. I believe there won’t be for a while.

I see a future where we’re still fighting. Where people are crying because we’re still losing. I can only foresee an ideal future long after we’re not here to see it.

When You’re Young And You Want Some

12 May

I CAN GO TO TDI.

AND THIS WOULD BE COOL TOO.

AND SOMEONE DID ASL THIS YEAR FOR THEIR GRAD CHALLENGE, SO IT IS POSSIBLE.

I AM SO BLESSED.

I Really Do

10 Jan

Someday I’ll have you forever for sure for keeps.

(It used to be my mantra; that one word.)

Someday this all won’t be so bad.

(It’s regaining influence.)

Someday.

(I like that.)

There Are A Lot Of Things

26 Dec

I just can’t help myself sometimes. I blurt things out, and sometimes they’re to you, and I’m not talking about that; it really was a mistake. This isn’t just to you. This is to you, too; you, the reason I now compulsively hover over every link and picture to check that there isn’t more to gobble up, for you… I confused myself that this was for you, as well; you, the person I confused myself over for a few long, flavourful weeks, and I’ll just give up now.

There isn’t any more to gobble up, and I’m sewing the pieces together, and sometimes I wish there was just a bass line underneath it all, and the wish that that would not have a deeper meaning and the deep yearning need for it to have one after all are tearing me apart.

This is to you – I will not give up now – this is to you; I know you read this. I’m sorry for everything.

This is to you, though. I want it to be. I forget all about everyone else sometimes. That worries me. Am I losing them? I might need only you and that and those, but them…

I’m falling asleep. I’m falling asleep. I can’t keep my eyes open, holiday binge, weekend binge, I do this all the time, whenever I get a chance, I’m falling asleep.

I want to cry. I want you- I did it for you when she wasn’t there, I did it for you, can I take that back can you give it to me because I think I need it now, someone to take into confidence, then disappear, double comma, end sentence, you too.

You taught me lessons I didn’t want to learn, and many slash some in a way that I still feel is inappropriate slash completely irrelevant. I hope you read this and you understand it but you won’t.

I am falling asleep.

I just gobble it all up until there’s nothing left. There isn’t any more to take, take, this season, take take this season, King Arthur falling apart I want to cry.

You say beautiful. Do you really mean that? I’m not.

I say beautiful. I really mean it. You are.

This is for you, after all.

I’m sitting here and I hope you got that, what I sent you, I hope you got it, I wish you’d gotten it earlier when you read this, I wish you’d gotten it right away, I wish I could make you stay all the time we’d be alone college you said alone.

College. Sick. I feel sick. Lashing out, writing prose, room, stifling. Lashing out.

I want to, sometimes. Or it almost happens, sometimes. I never really want to. You, with the wonderful hair, you, I wonder why she broke up with you I don’t see it, you; you did something annoying, and I nearly broke.

I don’t break. I never break. Do I break?

If this were a voice, would I hear it; would I listen? I listened last time, forty minutes, just like you, I want that, please, give that to me please I need you more than I need you because I need you; for that very same reason.

I feel sick.

I don’t see them. I don’t see them or you anymore, I never see you, I won’t see anyone, I can’t see anyone. I’m more blind than you know.

I need to throw up. I need a moment of release, I need lines for control if you say so if you say so I’ll do whatever it takes. I need to categorise. I need a moment’s silence and no clicking, I need a moment’s silence under the stars, I need to yawn and be filled.

If this were a voice, I feel sick, I would listen. I say beautiful. I say forget it.

I say forget it all. College. I feel sick. Sometimes I blurt things out, but I’m sewing the pieces together as they all fall apart. I said I saw you in an outline of light, golden light centre of my being next to you church pew lying there fantasy lying there I could have kissed you. It would have been messy in only a very figurative sense of the word.

Do I break? You’ve certainly had the opportunity to test me lately. Do I break? I’m sewing the pieces together and it’s impossible to know where this is going. I feel sick. I would listen, I would listen, of course I would listen. I say forget it. Everything.

Forty minutes…

You are beautiful.

(It was too silly.)

(But it wasn’t.)

(I’d do it.)

(If.)

A Farewell Of Sorts

3 Oct

Crossposted from YWP.

I’m not leaving. I’m just saying goodbye.

It’s always been true that
I’ve wanted more than I have.
You tell me of successes of my own
And I’ll just think of how much better
Someone else’s are.

I’ll stuff my ears with jumbled notes
Too loud; projected from earbuds
That aren’t quite as white
As they used to be.

I’ll fill my empty stomach
With the words, “Thanks, I’m fine,”
Hoping that someone, somewhere,
Will follow my example.

I’ll cry over the phone.

I’ll whisper your name,
Once upon a time,
When I still thought there was something to be gained
From commiserating with hope and wonder.

I’ll have a style – copy/paste,
Because reading has always been my thing,
And I’ve mastered synthesis.

I’ll always have an air of mystery,
Because some secrets
Are just not meant to be told;
As much as either you or me or both of us
Want them to mean that.

I’ll punch a wall or two,
Over the span of seventeen years.
[Seventeen years. Life is too long.]
My fist will bleed,
And there will be noticeable scars.
Frustratingly,
Every single one of the walls will stay intact,
Because

I’ll be intelligent enough to realize
That breaking other things
Only reflects what’s inside.

I’ll surround myself in
Untouchables, then

I’ll throw myself headfirst
Into someone else’s world of pain and suffering,
Because I’m not entirely sure
What it is that I should be feeling.

I’ll fix people
Because that’s the only thing,
In the interim,
That makes me feel
Like I’m worth something.

I’ll forget a lot of things.
All of them will be or have been important.

I’ll watch the seasons pass,
And I’ll remember how strong I once was.
I’ll admire him,
But only from there;
Recalling that beauty comes in many forms.

I’ll feel fake.
All the time.

I’ll miss you; all of you,
From my deepest hatred
To my strongest affection.

But I will never give up
Trying to find
Whatever’s out there.

And whatever’s out there, likewise,
Will always evade my grasp.