Tag Archives: devotion

How I Have Been Different

11 Feb

– gained ten pounds & some-odd noticeable inches
– stopped wearing jewelry (have started again)
– started wearing the same thing all the time
– started avoiding eye contact
– added roughly forty gut-wrenching songs to music library
– began to sift through previous past
– memory loss
– started avoiding mirrors
– negativity
– started inactively [but noticeably] avoiding sleep
– huge grade drop; loss of comprehension and slash or concentration
– loss of writing
– gain in casual musical experience
– [ironic] decrease in tolerance for intolerance
– started to cry when well-enough immersed in any story
– loss in retention
– obsession with past
– skepticism
– idiocy slash loss of the Right Thing To Do

Lover, Lover, Lover

25 Jan

I’ve started to cry. When I read a story, or watch a movie… When it gets emotional, I cry. I never used to do that. I think it might be good, but there’s at least a possibility that it’s not. What if it’s just because I’m fragile? What if it’s not that I’m opening my mind; becoming more imaginative?

(Duele no tenerte cerca)

Why does this have to be? More unanswerable questions. I just can never quite tell when you’re telling the truth or when you’re protecting me… When you’ll be okay or when I’ll hurt you. Everything blurs together. It’s just one dilemma after another.

(Duele no escuchar tu voz)

I have to fill in the blanks. Make the pieces fit together. Once everything sticks things will be okay, and I can see that now, and that’s progress, I suppose.

(Duele respirar tu ausencia, pero…)

All I want to do is make you happy. Make everyone happy. Why can’t I do both at the same time? Why isn’t there enough for that?

(Duele más decirte adiós)

Pyjama Pants

1 Jan

One year to the minute and I can still taste your lips exactly as they were…

Refrain

9 Sep

I cannot lose you, in the strictest sense of the word ‘can’ and the most real sense of the word ‘need’.

I’ll Just Post It Here

30 Jul

A magnetic poem

Not necessarily about today. It could be. It could not be.

Uberman Update Five

30 Jul

Two important notes:

  1. Gaming is ruining my life. I will no longer play unless at least one if not both of these qualifiers have been met:
    1. If it is two in the morning or something similar and I will sleep if my brain is not engaged with cheap entertainment.
    2. More importantly, if I have done something productive during the cycle and have more than a half hour left of free time.
    3. Scratch that, three qualifiers: If I have both showered and, if not exercised, at least made an effort or a plan to do so in the near future.
  2. This may not be working. I know when to cut my losses, and I can be healthy, despite some people’s doubts. I do know what I’m doing, guys. And if trust in that fails you, know that my body knows what it’s doing for certain. If I actually need sleep – in the real sense of the word – my body will sleep. I can’t train it out of that. This is only mildly successful because my body is tolerating my escapades so far. If it doesn’t anymore, I’ll stop. Say… In the space of three or four weeks, I must have a full fifteen naps in a row – two and a half days, or sixty hours – go perfectly.

I haven’t been keeping logs today- I’ll try to do them later, but I’m going out for a college visit in a few seconds. Ta!

Interlude

26 Jul

Okay, I’ll make this as short and specific as possible. This isn’t working. Or, rather, it is mostly, but my body still wants to follow the Everyman, as I mentioned in the last post. I think that that’s because of the way I tried and failed to ease into this, but no matter the reason, now, I need a solution.

The facts:

  1. I will not give up. Not only have I put too much time and effort into this already, it would also be insulting to me to just let go on this project of mine. So know that that’s not an option.
  2. I am now good at napping quickly. I can sleep for thirty minutes and have refreshed my first ‘battery’ or ‘energy tank’.
  3. Every day around four, though, my energy stores fail, along with the very first nap of the day- I oversleep in a number of ways due to a lack of consciousness (this morning I woke up on the floor) or if I do make it I feel like a steamroller’s been over me until at least the next nap.
  4. All I have to do to make it is presumably get used to the 04:00 nap so that my body doesn’t think it’s rest time- for a few days, at least.

Today is a break- because I so thoroughly messed it up in the morning, I’m not really on the schedule. I’m going to be napping to try to keep some momentum, but I need to be planning, primarily.

That said, what do you think my options are? I need ideas for alarms and coping strategies. What works best to get you up, especially when you haven’t been sleeping much? Is there anything I can replicate in my experience? How about my current situation; is there anything you’d do to improve it?

Thanks in advance. Feel free to ask questions.