Tag Archives: problems

How I Have Been Different

11 Feb

– gained ten pounds & some-odd noticeable inches
– stopped wearing jewelry (have started again)
– started wearing the same thing all the time
– started avoiding eye contact
– added roughly forty gut-wrenching songs to music library
– began to sift through previous past
– memory loss
– started avoiding mirrors
– negativity
– started inactively [but noticeably] avoiding sleep
– huge grade drop; loss of comprehension and slash or concentration
– loss of writing
– gain in casual musical experience
– [ironic] decrease in tolerance for intolerance
– started to cry when well-enough immersed in any story
– loss in retention
– obsession with past
– skepticism
– idiocy slash loss of the Right Thing To Do

Lover, Lover, Lover

25 Jan

I’ve started to cry. When I read a story, or watch a movie… When it gets emotional, I cry. I never used to do that. I think it might be good, but there’s at least a possibility that it’s not. What if it’s just because I’m fragile? What if it’s not that I’m opening my mind; becoming more imaginative?

(Duele no tenerte cerca)

Why does this have to be? More unanswerable questions. I just can never quite tell when you’re telling the truth or when you’re protecting me… When you’ll be okay or when I’ll hurt you. Everything blurs together. It’s just one dilemma after another.

(Duele no escuchar tu voz)

I have to fill in the blanks. Make the pieces fit together. Once everything sticks things will be okay, and I can see that now, and that’s progress, I suppose.

(Duele respirar tu ausencia, pero…)

All I want to do is make you happy. Make everyone happy. Why can’t I do both at the same time? Why isn’t there enough for that?

(Duele más decirte adiós)

I’ll Just Post It Here

30 Jul

A magnetic poem

Not necessarily about today. It could be. It could not be.

Uberman Log, Day Eight, Part One

28 Jul

This is a half-day log. I might start doing them regularly. Anyway, I feel like this morning was significant enough to warrant a post.

I woke up from my 04:30, but that’s about all that can be said for that. Knowing I needed to stay awake, I made it loopily into the shower and stayed for a half hour or so until my sister needed to get in. (Whod’ve thought? I expected I wouldn’t get in anybody’s way if I got in at five thirty, but I guess not.)

I got out of the shower barely not falling asleep. And when I say barely, I really mean barely- only just becoming conscious that I’ve been drying my arm for a few minutes now and jerking out of it to the next part of my body, having microsleeps every few second, not remembering getting to my room and sitting down… It was crazy. I’d like to say now that I’m proud to have made it though with only a few concessions- the way the entire morning was going, it looked like I’d be in bed and oversleeping in seconds at any given time.

I sat down at my computer and attempted to play a game, because I know that usually keeps my brain occupied, but I just wasn’t into it enough for the engaging part of the game to take any affect. I don’t remember doing it, but I must have shut it and the music off at some point.

This is where is gets hazy. See, I know I was awake, because several identifiable events happened in the time period that I can remember, if hazily. The idea of it, though, is that I was too tired to function. Luckily, I did function just enough to maintain the nap schedule. However, the times in between can hardly be called being awake- so I’m worried about how this will affect me.

I’m not really sure what happened from then on until 09:00, when my 08:30 nap finished up (see Notes). Then I became conscious, if not very. I started trying to get things done not for the sake of getting things done but just so I might stay awake.

It didn’t work very well, but I guess it did eventually work. It’s weird, though; there’s an entire section of my life that has just essentially disappeared due to sleep loss… I suppose that isn’t very different from the time monophasers lose sleeping, though. (… It’s still unsettling.) Fun fact: Did you know that every four days, I gain at least a full day on y’all? And this is with the generous estimate of three hours of sleep a day for me; I’m normally getting even less. Or should I say I’m getting more awake time?

Anyway, things proceeded normally. Normally referring to how this morning went; sleepily and barely remembering things. Luckily, it got better as time goes on, and I got more and more alert, not to mention cognisant.

My nap at noon was good; I awoke in time and managed it well, and when I did, I felt refreshed. Zoom out a bit to the big picture- from what little data I have right now, it appears that my day ends around four in the morning and starts between eight and twelve noon. I still have to work on that, but I think diligence is my only option.

Notes: The reason the times might seem messed up is that back when I thought it would help, I set my alarms at one, five, and nine – a full hour after I actually went to sleep. Luckily, I started going to bed late right around the time that I figured out that hourlong naps would not help me, only mess up my schedule- so now I have alarms set for slightly before twelve, four, and eight to tell me to go to sleep, and I make it into bed at roughly twelve thirty, four thirty, and eight thirty. I will have to change this if I intend to make the schedule work for school- but all I’ll have to do is move it back to what I intended, or possibly a few minutes earlier.

I guess that’s it for now. I just wanted to give you all a small update and see how that worked instead of the bigger ones.

Uberman Log, Day Seven

28 Jul

Right, well, I’m doing this at the very end of today, so who knows how my memory is going to be. I think I might do alright, though.

37. Nap one: 6/10. My plan worked perfectly. Of course, you probably don’t know about my plan. Let me take a minute to explain. Here, I’ll blockquote it to separate it from the rest of the stuff.

So, as you all very obviously know by now (or so say the thirty-five comments and one hundred eighty-eight views in a day), I was having quite a bit of trouble waking up from the first nap of the day at 04:00. (Quick review: I think this is because my schedule changed to be something closer to the Everyman.)

This problem has now been solved, proof pending (in approximately two hours at the writing of these words, 02:02 28/7/10). I used the Alarm Clock program I downloaded to set alarms at 05:00 – when I’m supposed to get up – 05:05, 05:10, 05:15, and so on, up to around 05:30. It might seem overkill, but I want to annoy the heck out of my subconscious. Also, preparing for the possibility that I might just yank the speaker cord, I turned the volume all the way up on my laptop before I plugged the speakers in (it retains two volumes, one being with the sound output jack used, the other without).

So far, this seems to have worked- I’ve been getting up successfully. Or is it just that I’ve gotten up successfully once? To be honest, I’m not really sure; but then again this entire process is all about problem-solving by trial and error. If I mess up again, I’ll deal with it and adjust the alarm so that whatever happened won’t happen again. (If I do say so myself, though, the system looks pretty foolproof so far. Famous last words, I know, but it does.)

Cycle one: 3/10. Mostly because of the fact that it was just spent catching up on communication and waiting for the next nap, which I thought would wake me up more. (I’m trying to keep these short. Like I said, you really don’t need to and likely don’t want to know the myriad details of my life.)

38. Nap two: 4/10. Okay in terms of both sleep and waking up, but it didn’t get me as alert as I’d counted on it doing in the last cycle. Disappointing.

Cycle two: 4/10. A little better than the last- like I said, slightly more alert, but not as alert as I’d thought I would be. The disappointment carried through and I spent much of this just waiting for the next nap, too. (Still keepin’ it short.)

39. Nap three: 7/10. Finally woke up like I wanted to. Energised and ready, hooray!

Cycle three: 6/10. I don’t remember that much of it, but it was enjoyable. Unexpectedly went into Juliet‘s radio station. That was fun, but made for the next number you’ll see. Other than forty. That’s not the right number. … I’ll just be quiet now. (Short.)

40. Nap four: 0 or 10/10, depending on how you view things. -frowns- Anyway, it didn’t exist. So nevermind.

Cycle four: 8/10. Slightly loopy from the sleep deprivation… It got progressively worse as time went on, but ‘worse’ just meant that near the end my eyes would start closing by themselves very gently. This is so high-rated because for one, I had an awesome conversation with Juliet in the car on the way home about relationships and crushes and people and psychology and such, and for two, I survived, and did it quite well, too, if I do say so myself. I’m going to go ahead and make this less short just so I can point out the fact that

Missing the nap wasn’t as horribly bad as other people have predicted it would be. I’ve heard horror story after horror story in my research about how you absolutely CANNOT skip naps, or – even more dire and with greater consequences – you can’t move them either, AHHH! But really, the only thing I felt as I headed further into skipping-land was a kind of gentle pressure, as if from my conscience.

‘Go take a nap now…’
‘No, I can’t…’
‘Well, you should…’
‘I know, I’m sorry; I chose social life over sleep…’
‘… Well, as long as you know you made the wrong decision…’

It was exceedingly gentle and actually very pleasant. I would do it again at some point, if it weren’t for the fact that I know skipping is bad, and I believe I’m suffering now for it. It’s a possibility for the reason, anyway.

41. Nap five: 7/10. I will admit- I may have started groaning in pleasure as I melted into my bed. I imagine that’s how my next nap (the first nap of tomorrow) is going to feel, too; I’m sort of physically tired as well as the normal weariness. Perhaps an effect of skipping the nap? Anyway, I slept like someone had given me a tranquiliser and got up like someone was frying bacon. A little eye-rubbing, but I felt fine and still do right now. Quality.

Cycle five: 5/10. When I woke up, I was pretty disoriented- I was waking up at the right time, but I’d been sleeping for about an hour, instead of my normal thirty minutes or less. The feeling I got here was also very gentle, but funny in a different way; almost scary, to tell the truth. Pushing in the back of my mind to get free was the suspicion that I had accidentally slept an entire twenty-four hours to get up at this time. The feeling that I had slept a monstrous amount of time always comes after these naps, but it seemed somewhere near exponentially proportionate with the time of my nap.

42. Nap six: 5/10. Went well, as naps go- I got sleep, I woke up. The cool thing was that I woke up trying to turn off my alarm. That is, I got down to my computer and likely would have dealt with things then ascended to my loft again, but the confusion of how to turn it off (and multiple alarms suddenly ringing as a backup; I’m glad I thought of that) woke me up enough to get me to stay.

Cycle six: 7/10. Again, really hungry about now… Early in the cycle, I had some chicken salad from Powers (owned and operated by my aunt, while Pangaea just across the street is by my uncle) and a few chips. Late in the cycle, I remembered just how much I’d missed Anna, who stayed up with me all the way to my 04:30 nap.

Notes: Someone put this exactly the way I’ve been thinking:

The fact that I will now have almost contiguous hours to fill is starting to form meaning in my head, and it’s daunting. It’s an entire change of my view of the world and time and schedules—for example, no longer will I shower when I awake; instead I will shower when I am dirty. No longer will I give up on a problem for the night, to return to it tomorrow; instead I will move on to a different problem and tackle the challenging one when a solution presents itself more clearly. No longer will I care about whether some event is “early in the morning”; instead I will care if that event interrupts my microsleep schedule.

He’s got a point, and a very good one at that. Another great quote:

Time is meaningless to me now. Imagine I were to tell you that the temperature is 226K. You might know that this is the temperature measured in kelvins, and given some time you will be able to work out how to convert it to a unit you understand, but as-is it’s meaningless to you (in general). That’s how I feel now when someone tells me that it’s noon on Thursday; I can count the phases and map my to-do list onto the world’s calendar and eventually come up with what it means for it to be noon on Thursday, but it has lost all intrinsic value.

Sorry this is late, y’all! For some reason I didn’t finish it last night like I said I would. Or rather, I all but finished it and forgot to post it – it was finished, it just would have taken a minute or two of fine-tuning to be ready to post, and I just didn’t do that. But nevermind that; it’s here now.

Interlude

26 Jul

Okay, I’ll make this as short and specific as possible. This isn’t working. Or, rather, it is mostly, but my body still wants to follow the Everyman, as I mentioned in the last post. I think that that’s because of the way I tried and failed to ease into this, but no matter the reason, now, I need a solution.

The facts:

  1. I will not give up. Not only have I put too much time and effort into this already, it would also be insulting to me to just let go on this project of mine. So know that that’s not an option.
  2. I am now good at napping quickly. I can sleep for thirty minutes and have refreshed my first ‘battery’ or ‘energy tank’.
  3. Every day around four, though, my energy stores fail, along with the very first nap of the day- I oversleep in a number of ways due to a lack of consciousness (this morning I woke up on the floor) or if I do make it I feel like a steamroller’s been over me until at least the next nap.
  4. All I have to do to make it is presumably get used to the 04:00 nap so that my body doesn’t think it’s rest time- for a few days, at least.

Today is a break- because I so thoroughly messed it up in the morning, I’m not really on the schedule. I’m going to be napping to try to keep some momentum, but I need to be planning, primarily.

That said, what do you think my options are? I need ideas for alarms and coping strategies. What works best to get you up, especially when you haven’t been sleeping much? Is there anything I can replicate in my experience? How about my current situation; is there anything you’d do to improve it?

Thanks in advance. Feel free to ask questions.

Uberman Update Three

26 Jul

So, uhh, you don’t get logs for today, because I didn’t do them. Not proper ones. I’ll tell you what happened, though.

My first nap didn’t go so well. I’m not sure what time I got up (though I am sure that it was well after five, when my alarm is set) because as soon as I was up I was down, in a sense. Down out of the loft, down sitting in my chair, and down mentally. Really down. It must have been somewhere around seven, though, because I went down for another nap fairly soon after.

A note on nap one- I think I have to sleep on the floor. So far, that’s the only way I’ve been able to get up… Right next to the speakers that sound the waking call. I’m working on finding a way of maybe getting a speaker in my loft that I can put there just temporarily… I can’t figure myself out, though; if it’s the proximity that wakes me up, shouldn’t I wake up when I go down the ladder and turn the alarm off while completely asleep? I’m just as close… No, even closer to the speakers when I’m down there.

Anyway.

I was a little more conscious after the 08:00 nap… Not fully awake, though. Since I’ve been messing with my system period, and since I think my body still thinks it’s sort of on the Everyman (what with the accidental addition of a ‘core nap’ around four for three out of four nights), my awareness has shifted. Normally I would be awake and alert during the day (and out at night, obviously). Perhaps overclocked a bit, given that I’ve taken to staying up to the first few wee hours and sleeping until ten or so, lately. However, with the Everyman deception, as I will creatively name it, I’ve started being fully awake all the way from between 08:00 and 10:00 up until at least 02:00, if not further. I generally start to conk out around 03:30, which is bad, considering I’m trying to stray away from the Everyman. Not that it’s necessarily bad per se, but it’s not what I’m aiming for.

Leaving that thought process, though… Overall, today was not a bad day. Even though I overslept again, for some reason I’m not really mad at myself. I have been making progress in other areas, which may be the reason. Like I said, I know I’ve been getting REM because of the dreams. I don’t know that I could say exactly what I’ve been dreaming – I very rarely can – but I know the dreams are happening, and that’s something, at least. Another sleep-related thing- there have been more time effects. When I go down for a nap, even though it’s been only a half hour or forty minutes since I last saw the world, it feels as if it’s been many, many hours. This could be because of the expectations my body has been trained to have about the length of a day and its composition – that is, if there is a period of time in which I sleep for a time and am awake for a time, that’s a day, and I expect to have slept for eight hours or so and to have been awake for sixteen. Perhaps the effect is because while I’m fully mentally active during the awake parts of these little four-hour cycles and can disregard my body’s preference for a double-digit-hour day, I’m not conscious during the sleeping parts, and as such my judgement is overridden by habit. Surprisingly, the shorter the time that I’ve slept, the longer it seems to have been… For example, when my naps get cut down to twenty-five minutes (for whatever reason), I feel as if I’ve been sleeping a lot longer than after a half-hour nap. This is true down to five minutes, even- if I fall partially asleep and then am awoken (luckily this isn’t happening anymore, but when I was taking hourlong naps and having trouble with it, it did) after about, say, ten minutes, it feels like a whole half day has passed. It’s rather disorienting to see sunshine when you don’t expect it…

So far, I haven’t seen much in the way of mental acuity being heightened or increases in energy. It’s more like I’ve heard Bucky Fuller says – I have two energy tanks, and I used to regularly deplete both, whereas now I just empty and refill the first. There’s not much in the way of science in that statement, but it seems to have been working just the way that it suggests it would, so I’m happy.

However. I did catch a whiff of what I’ve heard whisperings of- that heightened sense of time and space and self due to all the REM. People have talked about feeling the world ‘slow down’… And not only in a general way because of the number of hours in the day being augmented, but even down to specific situations like catching a ball. (Supposedly the ball would seem to slow in the air, allowing one to catch it more easily.) I know it seems hokey, but bear with me; walking out of Leddy tonight I felt for a great deal of the time it took to traverse the walkway that everything had been tweaked somehow. A jogger crossed my path, and it was like I could suddenly watch her and watch everything else simultaneously and do it well– I saw her muscles moving and arms pumping and chest heaving but I also checked for our license plate on all the cars that were likely to be my ride, and saw my mother waiting in the car after I identified the right one, and heard the wind rustling the leaves in all the trees around me, and let two bikers go by me with a polite ‘Excuse me,’ and saw somebody coming up the path behind me… All within a few seconds. I haven’t had the experience since. It’s a sort of clarity that came in sharp contrast with the fact that I dearly need new glasses; almost as if I had replaced them and could see 20-20 again.

Other than that, though, and various little quirks that I’ve been meaning to jot down (never got around to it, sadly), this Uberman think is actually becoming pretty normal.