Spring (But Over Here[; Then])

Written a while ago, in Connecticut. I just want to get it out of my drafts folder.

I went outside twice [so far] today. Earlier, my grandfather went for a walk, and my father went along because he is my father, and my sister went along because there were puppies to be seen, and I went along because, well, I don’t know why. We walked over three rivers in a fairly large circular route, if you count two tributaries and their combined merger as three.

Torrington is a wasteland, as far as I can tell. My view of this little [relatively] southern world is highly limited, so I know I’m not getting the whole picture, but what I can see is barren and lifeless and muffled. The only two glimmers of hope were the river(s) and the park we passed… And both were surrounded by cement and darkness. (In a very light way. It wasn’t just summery in Vermont, you know.)

I lagged towards the back of our little group, walking along the high cement wall and wondering what would happen if I jumped when we came to the bridge. I want to, sometime. (I think I’d like to do things like bungee and BASE. The only thrills I’ve yet experienced come from You.)

We walked past puppies in a pet store in what I think is called a strip mall. What exactly is a strip mall?

Talking to my grandfather on the way back, I found out that he’s done about seventy-five percent of the genealogy that my mother’s done. So, theoretically, I could have most of my family’s history in my hands with not much effort- I just need to get stuff from my mother and bring the files that are apparently on a floppy or in my grandfather’s Windows 98 machine into a more compatible format… Voilà. Roots. (Hmm… You could probably find satisfaction that way, love.) Do I sense a goal? Yes I do.

The second time I went outside was for more than two hours, just sitting on the path behind the house. It’s a haven up there, away from all of the rest of the town. The garden just below is a little odd, but everything’s pleasant. There’s some sort of conifer above, and you can tell that nature has taken over- but only just enough so that everything is green. There’s a raised bed of some plants with pleasantly curved leaves… I wrote for practically all of the time, and read for the rest.

Unfinished. And it’ll stay that way.

A Farewell Of Sorts

Crossposted from YWP.

I’m not leaving. I’m just saying goodbye.

It’s always been true that
I’ve wanted more than I have.
You tell me of successes of my own
And I’ll just think of how much better
Someone else’s are.

I’ll stuff my ears with jumbled notes
Too loud; projected from earbuds
That aren’t quite as white
As they used to be.

I’ll fill my empty stomach
With the words, “Thanks, I’m fine,”
Hoping that someone, somewhere,
Will follow my example.

I’ll cry over the phone.

I’ll whisper your name,
Once upon a time,
When I still thought there was something to be gained
From commiserating with hope and wonder.

I’ll have a style – copy/paste,
Because reading has always been my thing,
And I’ve mastered synthesis.

I’ll always have an air of mystery,
Because some secrets
Are just not meant to be told;
As much as either you or me or both of us
Want them to mean that.

I’ll punch a wall or two,
Over the span of seventeen years.
[Seventeen years. Life is too long.]
My fist will bleed,
And there will be noticeable scars.
Frustratingly,
Every single one of the walls will stay intact,
Because

I’ll be intelligent enough to realize
That breaking other things
Only reflects what’s inside.

I’ll surround myself in
Untouchables, then

I’ll throw myself headfirst
Into someone else’s world of pain and suffering,
Because I’m not entirely sure
What it is that I should be feeling.

I’ll fix people
Because that’s the only thing,
In the interim,
That makes me feel
Like I’m worth something.

I’ll forget a lot of things.
All of them will be or have been important.

I’ll watch the seasons pass,
And I’ll remember how strong I once was.
I’ll admire him,
But only from there;
Recalling that beauty comes in many forms.

I’ll feel fake.
All the time.

I’ll miss you; all of you,
From my deepest hatred
To my strongest affection.

But I will never give up
Trying to find
Whatever’s out there.

And whatever’s out there, likewise,
Will always evade my grasp.

Reentering the Edutech World

First, some background: Arthus showed me a whole new world the year I was to graduate middle school. I participated in When Night Falls that year (or possibly the next, it’s very fuzzy in my mind). I started blogging more often, got connected with many a wise being such as Lisa Durff (who deserves special thanks because she is the one who reminds me via twitter whenever ANYTHING is happening). I never did get the hang of google reader, although I really should try, and became something akin to Arthus’s little brother, tagging along and learning to think for myself. I’d like to end the background section with a little apology: To whom it may concern, I am deeply ashamed of how I acted, and although some may consider this an overreaction, I believe I was too immature then to be at the level I was attempting to emulate. The most obvious form this took was my spelling and grammar – I used abbrs like “lol”, smileys, and 1337. Though I know some of you may use these, and think nothing of it, I must hold myself and be held by others to a higher standard. Again, sincerest apologies.

Time passed, and the idea of students 2.0 was born. Whether it was my immaturity or, as I believe, because I simply was too lazy to write enough content, I dropped out of the project.

After the whole fiasco, months passed. I attempted to blog intermittently, with little or no success, and soon gave up on the entire idea. Near the end of my freshman year in high school, however, I began to realize the value of expressing myself in this way. Once again, I was interested, and about a week ago, I began to watch the streams, and join the conversations. I began tweeting again, which I gave up along with blogging.

And so, with new resolve, here I am again. I’m bound to fail eventually, but here goes anyway. I’m off to go use google reader, take two. Any help for the noob is appreciated, or any suggestions for feed programs et cetera.